Are You Sensitive To Other People’s Words & Actions?

It was hot and I was tired of sitting behind a computer, so I booked a lane at the nearest swimming pool so I could get in some quick laps. I sat on the edge of the pool before jumping in, a ritual of mine because I’m the type to dip my toes in before jumping — literally and figuratively.

There was an elderly lady in the lane besides me and she told me that I could use lane 4, because herself and her friend were using lanes 5 & 6.

As I put my goggles on and prepared to jump in, the elderly lady’s friend arrived, looked at me and said “That’s my lane, I’m bloody sick of people taking my spot, move over”. I was stunned, and without saying anything to avoid conflict, I moved to the next lane.

Perhaps, staying silent was a good way to keep my dignity and avoid unnecessary conflict, however I was fuming on the inside. I will spare you the recall of names I was calling her in my head, but I was damn mad by the way she spoke to me.

After my session, I was on my way back to campus and I found myself still stuck in this resentment and frustration — “Fully grown woman chucking a tantrum like that”, I kept thinking.

I realised that I was latching on to this resentment after the fact because I took her rudeness personally.

I began thinking about a thing in psychology we refer to as ‘the fundamental attribution error’, where by we automatically attribute someone’s behaviours to their negative internal qualities, disregarding the idea that there may be external situational factors that may be occurring in ones life to make them act the way they do.

I started thinking what might be going on in this lady’s life that compelled her to her behave with the anger and rudeness that she displayed.

That’s when all the resentment lifted, because it was then when I realised that her comments were not directed at me, per se. This lady had anger and frustration within her already, and I just happened to be the beneficiary of this anger and frustration, at the time.

I became aware of the fact that the frustration and resentment I was carrying after the event was not in fact mine, it was someone else’s.

And just like that, I let it go and I started to feel empathy.

This is a very soft example, but can be applied to many of the situations we face throughout our difficult interactions with others — Difficult clients, difficult colleagues, difficult acquaintances on any level.

The fundamental attribution error can show us how quick we are to judge ones character without considering the life situation that person might be in that compels them towards acting in the unfavorable ways they do.

Considering someone’s life situation creates this space for empathy and understanding without getting too attached to the anger or hurt you might experience as a result of their actions or words. You realise that someone else’s negative words or actions towards you are not a reflection of your inadequacies or faults, but a reflection of the unresolved pain that they are carrying around.

This is something that requires your empathy over your resentment, and empathy is a much more enjoyable and productive feeling than resentment any day.