Frustration, Guilt & Hopelessness — This is Depression

One of the biggest frustrations I have facing me right now in my battle with depression and anxiety is the lethargy and apathy I feel at least at some point in my every day life.

I always get myself out of bed, no matter how I feel. Depression is known to tie people down to their beds, but not me. I’ve been there and done that, and I won’t be going back to those times where you spend up to 3 days without leaving your bedroom. That only makes you feel even worse about yourself.

Why is the lethargy and apathy so frustrating? — because it leads to excessive amounts of guilt, shame and hopelessness.

You know you aren’t as productive as what you could be, or “should” be, and so you feel guilty for that.

Most of the things you usually enjoy in life become dull, empty and boring. You lose your ability to sustain joy, and so you feel shame for that.

You are overcome with the idea that things have always been this way, and that things will continue to be this way for the rest of your life, and so you feel helpless and hopeless about that.

“Why can’t you just get up and get over it?”

Everyone who suffers from depression will tell you that they wish it were that easy — that you could just get up and get over it. But, when your will is taken, your desire stripped, and your ability to find joy in the simple things in life is all gone, then getting up and getting over it is no longer an option. The disease takes over, causing you paralysis.

During the darkest stages of depression, I don’t feel like I am doing enough. I don’t feel like I am enough, in general. You feel inadequate and inferior, as you watch other people around you who seem to “have it altogether”, or at least more so compared to what you give yourself credit for.

And no matter how many times the doctors tell me that I am suffering from an illness and that it is okay to take time to rest and recover, I still cant help but judge myself harshly. Because that’s what depression does — it tricks you into believing that your depressed thoughts and feelings are a true reflection of reality.

This is depression with no coat of sugar.